http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/en-UKMokoFeed10http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/c4/180d9374e4af8ce69c32712b4df5b6_160x200.jpghttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2007/11/01/mmmm~3230334/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2007-11-01:/2007/11/01/mmmm~3230334/Thu, 01 Nov 2007 17:19:26 +0100 <p>I haven't been blogging for a while...</p> <p>Just a not to say my birthday night went off pretty well. Feel slightly more adjusted to being 21 now. I have been doing work on my dissertation, well, reading for it anyway. Apparently I am supposed to have done the first chapter by 16th Novermber. Argh! I'm still slightly confused about how it should be structured. Should be ok though. First chapter only has to be 2000 words and have already made a start. I'm just having a good old fashioned panic, as I have done on previous occasions...</p> <p>On the whole things are really good, I'm enjoying living with my flatmates. It's been so much better this year living with people who are also friends because they are considerate. I am not having my food eaten or strangers sleeping in my bedroom. So it's all good all the time (to quote 'Erbal from Dark Angel).</p> <p>Need to get cracking with working properly though. I am still being really slack. Don't want to get to January and panic about my dissertation and end up with a third or worse!</p> <p>I'lll be back soonish to report on my progress, I can tell you now that my panic will have been for nothing because everything will be fine. Need to have more faith in life... Need to find myself a career.<br> But that's a whole new ballgame, let's get through the dissertation panic first...</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2007/11/01/mmmm~3230334/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2007/11/01/mmmm~3230334/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2007/08/30/my_birthday~2896195/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2007-08-30:/2007/08/30/my_birthday~2896195/Thu, 30 Aug 2007 16:42:45 +0200 <p>Yes, the day of reckoning is approaching and I am worrying about going out on saturday for a few drinks. I keep thinking that something is going to go wrong even though it won't because I actually have some good friends now. I need to just chill out. I always get really worked up like this before an occasion and majority of the time everything works out anyway...<br> I can't believe I'm going to be 21... I know I already said that last time but it's all pretty wierd. I've been having some pretty wierd mixed up dreams lately where People and locations in Leeds and Durham are all mixed up together...<br> Though I am looking forward to my birthday I will be relieved when it's over and things have gone ok. I might stop having wierd dreams then. I really should start my dissertation (I should have started it at the beginning of August!) but I am struggling to get started and motivated, that's the problem with long summers, your brain goes to sleep...</p> <p>I went for a nice walk around North West Leeds last night and I got to the top of a hill and looked down and I could see all of the beautiful lights below and I felt so at home... Everything just felt right...<br> Anyway, I really need to just relax and stop worrying about everything before I drive myself mad... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2007/08/30/my_birthday~2896195/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>studyingfriendswalkingworryingtwenty-onebirthdaydissertationhttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2007/08/30/my_birthday~2896195/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2007/08/22/update~2851547/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2007-08-22:/2007/08/22/update~2851547/Wed, 22 Aug 2007 16:01:47 +0200 <p>Well as you can see I've been away for a while...</p> <p>I've got through my second year ok, I managed to pass everything. Will be entering the dissertation year next year oohhh. I am going to write about the gender wage gap. I haven't started it yet, though I should have. I will hopefully have a plan together before the start of university so it won't look like I am a complete slacker.</p> <p>I am also looking forward to doing as much walking as possible this year until I finish university and have to live in the 'real world'. I know scary isn't it. I was just being slightly self indulgent and reading some of my old blog entries. Lots of people will be starting university this year and I feel quite sorry that some of them will have a tough time ahead of them.</p> <p>I will be turning twenty one on the 3rd of september and I just can't believe that I am that age already. I was 16 about 5 minutes ago. I am starting to feel a bit old. I am the oldest person in my new house at the moment (and yes, I did move out of the last house quite gladly, though people still owe me money, that really pisses me off).</p> <p>Will be blogging more regularly now anyway.<br> I'll be back soon.</p> <p>Vickie </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2007/08/22/update~2851547/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>universitybirthdaydissertationhttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2007/08/22/update~2851547/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2007/02/14/title~1738764/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2007-02-14:/2007/02/14/title~1738764/Wed, 14 Feb 2007 12:08:50 +0100 <p>Since the last post I have been very adventurous and I have been to the Yorkshire Dales and to the Lake District. The weather was atrocious on both of these weekends.The Lake district weekend 9th-11th of Febrauary was particularly difficult. On the way to the bunk house the minibus nearly crashed. It skidded on the ice and got bashed about a bit. It looked like it was going to tip over at one point (but luckily it didn't)! We had to wait for some very kind locals to give us lifts to the bunkhouse.We had an extremely wet and windy walk on saturday. On sunday most people were fed up so we went to Ambelside (near Lake Windermere) which is a nice little town and strolled about and went to the pub for a while. We had a lovely day, it reminded me of when I used to have days out with my parents when I was a child...sigh...<br> Still a bit depressed about my Grandad, but these things take time.Also my bedroom (at home) is being used as a storeroom for some of his things until they are moved on elsewhere. I was at home weekend before last and it was quite odd sleeping in a room with his stuff.<br> I'm going home this weekend again (because I just feel like it) so I'm going to have another odd couple of days.<br> I've been spending time with my Grandad's girlfriend (who is a very lovely woman) and it's really nice. It feels like I haven't quite lost as much as I thought I had. I'll have to go before I start getting really emotional and embarrasing myself at university. Lately my feelings have been a bit to close to the surface for my comfort and I need to be careful sometimes what I say in case I just start to cry or something embarrasing like that.</p> <p>Anyway...Things are looking up after all. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2007/02/14/title~1738764/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>grandparentsdepressedlake-districtyorkshire-daleslifedeathgrandadhttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2007/02/14/title~1738764/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2007/01/10/well~1538337/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2007-01-10:/2007/01/10/well~1538337/Wed, 10 Jan 2007 18:04:59 +0100 <p>Yes... tut, tut, tut.</p> <p>I have neglected my blog disgracefully.<br> This is because I have/had a lot of uni work to do.</p> <p>I had some problems. Yes, I have 'recovered' from my other bit of 'depression' and I have taken peoples advice (ajn and Jools) and started to just make an effort with people and trust people. This has had pretty good results and I feel very secure at the moment, I have some very good friends now and the world isn't have a s bad as I once thought it was.<br> So anyway... the 'problem' I will be talking about today is my Grandad who died on the 28th of November.He had some heart problems but he was pretty healthy and everyone was expecting him to just get better. He had a girlfriend and he was happier than he had been for quite a while. Well I have had a strange christmas this year, and I am having some wierd dreams about my Grandad and I keep waking up crying.</p> <p>And another thing, I have quit morrisons so I will have my weekends back to go walking and get my work done. I have a life again!</p> <p>I know it takes time to deal with things like death so I'll just have to see how it goes...<br> I will post soon, I promise.<br> Thanks for remembering me Jools, it's really nice to get a message from someone you haven't heard from in a while.<br> Vickie </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2007/01/10/well~1538337/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>deathgrandadcryingfriendshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2007/01/10/well~1538337/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/10/16/a_bit_more_of_the_story~1227348/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-10-16:/2006/10/16/a_bit_more_of_the_story~1227348/Mon, 16 Oct 2006 13:57:24 +0200 <p>Here's another bit of misery from me, though I am starting to feel a lot better now, this is what I wrote when I was having a bad day...</p> <p>One day I just wanted to write and I was really struggling to stop. Sometimes people’s feeling are just like a big powerful train which is racing down and a track and won’t stop.</p> <p>Sometimes everything just feels blank and I feel like really hurting myself, because it’s the only way to feel anything at all and it’s the only way to distract yourself from your feelings, even if it’s only temporary.</p> <p>Johnny Cash- “I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel, I focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real.”</p> <p>I always thought that my lack of faith in other people was something that began a few years ago, but it started way before that. This is the type of stuff you barely remember. All those times in school when you’re only about five years old and you find that the other kids simply aren’t very nice to each other. That is when your innocent little world begins to crumble, though you’re not aware of it at the time. I was always the one who tried to be nice to people, even when they weren’t being nice back. </p> <p>And then I turned 12 and everything stopped. People were even worse towards each other in this place. I stopped being nice and I turned my heart to stone. There were various times during my teenage years when I let people inside and I let them get to me. There were even times when I was honest about my feelings. These times grew fewer and fewer as I learnt to distrust people even more.</p> <p>I broke, when I was 17 when those who had been my “friends” turned against me and hurt me. Just because they wanted to. I spoke to nobody about it, and showed my feelings to nobody. I trusted nothing in life anymore.</p> <p>I’m still struggling to retrieve my faith in people and human nature, but everyday people keep giving me more reasons to be angry and more reasons to retreat further inside myself. The human mind is a maze and some people say you always come out of the other side eventually, but I don’t feel that I ever will.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/10/16/a_bit_more_of_the_story~1227348/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifestoryfriendshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/10/16/a_bit_more_of_the_story~1227348/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/09/25/hmph~1158847/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-09-25:/2006/09/25/hmph~1158847/Mon, 25 Sep 2006 14:38:33 +0200 <p>Yes, hmph is the word here.<br> I have had a few people signing up for STAR (Student Action for Refugees)but now I am really worried because I am trying to arrange a first meeting and what if nobody turns up like last time. What if, in fact people turn .<br> I'm writing this on here because I don't want to talk to anybody about it because I'm supposed to be confident about being a leader.<br> up but the whole thing just sort of fades away to nothing after that. What happens if I'm not a good enough leader? I'm really not very confident about this stuff<br> My flatmates are really messing me about and have still failed to register with the electricity company so we are maybe going to get cut off any minute. I cancelled my accout because I was sick of paying other peoples bills and though it would make them get their arses into gear (but obviously not). I am very frustrated at the moment.<br> Tomorrow I am going to have to go to uni and see my 'so called friends' who are not my friends anymore because they abandoned me over the summer.<br> I had some stupid argument with my flatmate last week so I was just lying in bed with my belt tied round my neck and just thinking about how good it would be to really hurt myself. I feel like a bit of a headcase writing this on a blog and I just have to add that I am NOT suicidal.<br> I am kind of starting to make some new friends again (sigh...) but I don't know how that's going to turn out so I am nervous as hell.<br> I've been invited to a party by one of these people but because I am feeling so depressed at the moment I will probably just get really drunk and end up in a state/telling my life story which is not a position I want to be in.</p> <p>Trying to smile but finding it really hard a lot of the time. I wish somebody could make it better but I'm so afraid that nobody can help me. You can talk to people as much as you want to but at the end of the day only you can make your life work out the way you want it to. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/09/25/hmph~1158847/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>flatmatesstardepressionargumentslifebeltrefugeeshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/09/25/hmph~1158847/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/09/11/birthday~1116196/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-09-11:/2006/09/11/birthday~1116196/Mon, 11 Sep 2006 16:10:35 +0200 <p>I decided to go home for a few days for my birthday. It wasn't too bad. I still haven't celebrated with any friends yet though I have one friend I can celebrate with.</p> <p>I still feel pretty depressed and alone though I suppose my social life will improve when university starts again. Will be going to counselling soon.<br> I am going to try and launch my STAR (Student Action for Refugees) thing at freshers week and I am feeling really nervous in case it's all going to fail.<br> I am feeling a little bit fragile at the moment and feel like crying at the drop of a hat.</p> <p>I think I need to keep that chin up, or try to anyway...</p> <p>(-: </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/09/11/birthday~1116196/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>starhomefreshers-weekdepresseduniversitybirthdayhttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/09/11/birthday~1116196/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/09/01/oh_dear~1088798/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-09-01:/2006/09/01/oh_dear~1088798/Fri, 01 Sep 2006 15:48:16 +0200 <p>Yes, oh dear is the phrase to use at this juncture. I have been feeling even more depressed and lonely and let down by my so called friends. It's my birthday on sunday and I barely feel like celebrating.<br> I'm going home for a few days next week to celebrate with my family. Then I have a couple of people I am going to celebrate with here in Leeds. I know it could be worse it's just that life is not what I was expecting it to be. I didn't think I would ever be lonely or feel abandoned by friends, not down here. I came here to start a new life and people have let me down in the same way that they let me down in Durham. So what's new?</p> <p>I having been thinking about running away (I won't really do it though, just fantisising). I would like to just dissappear and not even say goodbye to anyone or anything. I don't really want to be in Leeds or Durham at the moment and I am extremely unsure about where I belong.<br> There are some people down here who care about me though they are not neccassirly friends.<br> I was reading about this guy called J.D Salinger who wrote The Catcher in the Rye and he lived alone on some little farm in the middle of nowhere and barely spoke to anyone. I feel like Holden Caulfield right now and I want to live like J.D Salinger.<br> Less people= less problems</p> <p>Last week I got mugged at knife point and it's not like I'm traumatised by it or something it's just making me feel more depressed.<br> I am going to start counselling so I can talk about these things because I feel really low.<br> My birthday celebrations often have a hint of misery about them and this year's is going to be no exception.<br> There don't seem to be many cheerful posts on this blog, I am a right miserable sod sometimes, I really am. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/09/01/oh_dear~1088798/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>knivesbirthdaylifethe-catcher-in-the-ryecrimedepressionmugginghttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/09/01/oh_dear~1088798/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/08/04/the_story_of_thursday~1013598/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-08-04:/2006/08/04/the_story_of_thursday~1013598/Fri, 04 Aug 2006 15:04:04 +0200 <p>I have to write something here because I have been desperate to write on my blog but I haven't been able to because I was busy. Did that last sentence make sense? I hope it did.</p> <p>Last thursday I went out for a few drinks with a friend, just during the afternoon/evening. I had a great time. Then we all said goodbye and they departed and I was a bit pissed. I was ok though, I managed to walk home allright and everything. The only problem was that all these dark thoughts came into my head, but this time they felt worse because of the alcohol. About my future, self doubts etc.<br> I felt so low at the thought of coming home to an empty house because I wanted somebody to just hug me. Anyway I was just in this mood where I wanted to talk to anybody so then I talked to this alcoholic who was just sitting on the street and I asked him if he was a Christian and he said that he was. I asked if I could talk to him further but then he just asked me to buy him so alcohol. I just felt really used and betrayed so I left him. I think he was lying to me. </p> <p>When I got in the house I felt terrible because I was completely alone with no prospect of seeing anybody else for the rest of the day. I phoned this woman that I knew because I thought she might listen because she was a christrian.<br> Then I just cried down the phone and said, "I'm so drunk" several times. She said I should phone her back when I was less drunk. I managed to fall asleep for a while and then I phoned my brother and talked to him and that made me feel better. I sent the woman a text saying sorry I was just druink, nothing is wrong with me. I don't really want to know how I was feeling after all.</p> <p>So anyway that was my lonely drunken thursday. The strange thing was that I had this wierd sense of de ja vu. It was as if this had happened before or maybe I had dreamt it was going to happen.</p> <p>I just don't know.... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/08/04/the_story_of_thursday~1013598/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>thursdaychristianitydrunkpubhttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/08/04/the_story_of_thursday~1013598/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/07/27/customer_service~992960/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-07-27:/2006/07/27/customer_service~992960/Thu, 27 Jul 2006 14:32:42 +0200 <p>Last night was quite good (apart from the fact that I was at work). After work I went to Bible study and it was interesting, all about forgiveness and humility and it really set me head whirling round and round and round... (metaphorically, not like the girl in the Exorcist).</p> <p>Everyone at work was being judged as to how good their customer service was. They wrote that I don't smile and don't talk to people very clearly and don't look people in the eye, don't say goodbye etc.<br> These are all pretty accurate. These are bad habits that I have due to previous experiences with people. Also, the customers are consistently rude to me and I don't want to be really nice to everyone if they aren't nice back. Yes I'm aware it sounds a bit childish but I resent saying please and thank you to someone who just grunts at me and complains in the que how 'slow the girl on the till is'. I hate retail jobs, I hate facing the public all the time, especially when they are stressed and in a hurry. </p> <p>I feel like this Christianity stuff is making me think about things I don't want to think about and I am becoming really aware of all my weaknesses and faults and it's just making it worse getting a bad review at work. They did say mine was still one of the better ones though, I have seen other peoples customer service as well and it is also just as bad as mine and often worse.</p> <p>I'd better stop writing because this post is going to get even more self critical. I'm meeting a friend for a few drinks at half four so maybe that will take my mind off this stuff... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/07/27/customer_service~992960/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>workchristianityhttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/07/27/customer_service~992960/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/07/26/again~990238/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-07-26:/2006/07/26/again~990238/Wed, 26 Jul 2006 14:38:08 +0200 <p>Had a bad dream last night. Nothing particularly bad happened in it but I was about 14 and I was on a school trip and there were so many rubbish people there that I used to go to school with and it just really depressed me. Then I woke up and just cried.</p> <p>I am afraid that I will keep having thses dreams because I don't want to wake up in the morning feeling rubbish all the time.</p> <p>I don't really feel like me at the moment and there are too many things going round in the back of my head and I am starting to get this sort of self hate. Maybe it's my fault because maybe I'm weak or too sensitive or 'think too much'.</p> <p>I'm not really sure what I am doing or where I am at the moment. I am not happy in Durham and I barely consider it my home but Leeds isn't really a proper home for me either because I have only lived her a short time.</p> <p>I feel very alone and don't feel like anybody will help me/ can help me because I'm not sure who to talk about this with.</p> <p>Vickie </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/07/26/again~990238/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>nightmaresdurhamhomeself-hatehttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/07/26/again~990238/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/07/19/untitled_and_mysterious~971869/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-07-19:/2006/07/19/untitled_and_mysterious~971869/Wed, 19 Jul 2006 16:02:37 +0200 <p>Today I registered with the gas and electric company and water company. I didn't realise it was necessary to do this and panicked when unipol said I needed to do this!</p> <p>Anyway, the panic is over now because I have just sorted it out and can stop worrying that a man in black is going to knock on the door and demand to see my gas and electric and then turn it off while giving me a mean look and laughing harshly. I think too much.. anyway.</p> <p>I have to go to work soon but it's so bloody hot and work has rubbish air conditioning which just takes in the hot air from outside and circulates it around... grrr...</p> <p>Will write more very soon.</p> <p>Vickie </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/07/19/untitled_and_mysterious~971869/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>waterworkelectrichotgasheathttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/07/19/untitled_and_mysterious~971869/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/07/15/god~961445/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-07-15:/2006/07/15/god~961445/Sat, 15 Jul 2006 14:20:26 +0200 <p>I am currently looking for God. Maybe thats not the right way to phrase it, I don't know how else to write it. I have been feeling very lonely and low down, living alsone is not helping I suppose. I have made a new friend at work is good because I need a very good friend right now and I will never be able to completely rely on my other friends unfortunatly- there are lots of reasons for this but I will explain properly another time, I think I have explained some of this before anyway.<br> I started going to the international students club (you don't have to be international!) and I have met some very interesting people. They have this Bible study afterwards and I have been going to it. It is interesting and I have always felt a bit empty, like somethingwas missing and this feels like a good step to take.<br> I don't know what might happen here. This morning I had a nightmare about something which happened a long time ago and that's quite wierd since I usually don't think about these things. I think the Bible study is something which makes you think and is kind of encoura\ging me to believe in something which is positive rather than negative. I haven't done that for such a long time, maybe this is why things keep going through my head. All I know is that if I continue this Bible study then things are going to get very tough for me but maybe I am ready for the challenge and the change. I need to do something.</p> <p>Oh and I also apologise for not posting comments on other people's blogs. This is not deliberate. I have been trying to but the computer/internat/ something won't let me. Says I have to fill in some email field or other?</p> <p>Anyway... I'll speak soon. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/07/15/god~961445/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>godreligionchristianitylifehttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/07/15/god~961445/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/07/05/lately~935588/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-07-05:/2006/07/05/lately~935588/Wed, 05 Jul 2006 17:17:51 +0200 <p>Recently I have just moved house, I did feel pretty sad about it but I didn't cry or anything on the day because I was too busy running around like a headless chicken and going, "wheres the ...!?"</p> <p>My brother helped me move all my stuff and then rushed me to work at 3 o clock. I was still a bit late though.</p> <p>So yeah, it didn't go too badly though I had an interestiung time trying to do basic things like switch on the fridge and the washing machine was making funny noises last night and I kept imagining it was going to blow up! <br>Maybe I'm loosing my mind.<br>I just spent the last 3 days doing volunteer work painting a mural in a womens' refuge in the childs play room and I really enjoyed it and found it quite rewarding.</p> <p>I think living in a house by myself is going to take a lot of getting used to though. </p> <p>Oh, well I've got plenty of time to adjust. I'm trying to maintain my positive attitude. So far it seems to be working.</p> <p>I have neglected my blog again. *feels deep shame* </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/07/05/lately~935588/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>volunteer-worknew-housemoving-househttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/07/05/lately~935588/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/06/26/shuffles_feet~912797/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-06-26:/2006/06/26/shuffles_feet~912797/Mon, 26 Jun 2006 15:07:07 +0200 <p>I've been neglecting my blog again... *hangs head in shame*</p> <p>Anyway, what have I been up to?</p> <p>I've been doing a bit of volunteer work, well one bit of volunteer work, letting old people paint my face for practice. I enjoyed it quite a lot. I was thinking of doing some volunteer work with older people because I like working with them and I want to do something regularly.</p> <p>I also went to a goodbye party and got very drunk and made a fool of myself, but it was all pretty fun :-).</p> <p>I'm moving house on saturday which will be very sad. I have so many memories of my time where I live now, it's going to be difficult to leave it all behind. Also working at Morrisons is going okay.</p> <p>I've met some cool people in Leeds this summer and I think I will probably make some new friends this summer :-)</p> <p>*feels hopeful for the future*</p> <p>Anyway, today I am just going to be pottering about a bit so that should be nice.</p> <p>Aurevoir for now!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/06/26/shuffles_feet~912797/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>goodbyesummeri-love-leeds-http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/06/26/shuffles_feet~912797/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/06/15/what_i_ve_been_doing_lately~883074/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-06-15:/2006/06/15/what_i_ve_been_doing_lately~883074/Thu, 15 Jun 2006 15:31:59 +0200 <p>Well, last week I went bowling/drinking and had a great time. I said goodbye to some people. I went out in Leeds with some other people a couple of weeks ago (the night I reffered to in my last post) and said goodbye to more people.<br> Last night I went to another goodbye party which I really enjoyed.</p> <p>I am saying too many goodbyes for my liking at the moment.<br> I am really worn out from all of these goodbyes. Today I was just crying for about half an hour, just at the thought of what is happening at the moment.</p> <p>Tomorrow I am meeting my friend and then I'm working the whole weekend so I will at least be able to distract myself from thinking about all this. It doesn't help that I have lots of free time on my own so it makes it easier to obsess over these things.<br> I'm looking for some volunteer work to do now so fingers crossed.<br> I will be back. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/06/15/what_i_ve_been_doing_lately~883074/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>goodbyeleaving-partiescryinghttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/06/15/what_i_ve_been_doing_lately~883074/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/06/05/last_night~855444/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-06-05:/2006/06/05/last_night~855444/Mon, 05 Jun 2006 16:10:41 +0200 <p>As I've mentioned before a load of people I know are leaving Leeds this month. I went over someone's flat last night to say goodbye and I just cried my eyes out. We were all just sitting round the table laughing about something and I realised that this would never come again, being together like this. I felt pretty upset and all so I called my brother after I'd left and he dropped in and we had a little drive down the road and I just cried and cried. I told him that lots of people I know are leaving. He agreed with me that it was absolutley rubbish and that sometimes life was difficult like this.<br> He said that next year was going to be really good as well and I'd meet loads of new people. I felt a bit cheered up after that but I still think I'm going to feel a bit funny for the next couple of weeks because even more people are leaving.</p> <p>I'm going to a goodbye party and a barbeque next week which should also prove to be quite emotional.</p> <p>Work seems like it's going to be okay. I'm on the checkouts :-))</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/06/05/last_night~855444/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>leavingloosingworkemotionhttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/06/05/last_night~855444/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/06/01/reflections_on_people~846523/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-06-01:/2006/06/01/reflections_on_people~846523/Thu, 01 Jun 2006 15:50:34 +0200 <p>We all have these trivial lives and these trivial concerns. People only know each other half the time because they share the same bit of space or work together or something. And then people just seem to go their seperate ways, which can be a good thing, because everyone has got to move on eventually. It's really sad though this end of uni, it means I loose a lot of the people I know and won't see a lot of them again.</p> <p>I think it is shocking how people forget about each other though when they move to a new place/start a new life. My parents have old friends who don't live far away and yet they rarely see them- at Christmas they pop round for a visit anyway.</p> <p>I don't want to get like this with my family, especially not with my brother, but I don't think I will. I have started to feel like I neglect my family sometimes. Because I like being down here I have a tendency to just forget about family sometimes and not see people for ages. So I have decided to make more of an effort this summer and see my family a lot. I should also see my Grandad a lot because he is getting old and one day I'll regret it if I don't spend time with him. </p> <p>Anyway :-)) </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/06/01/reflections_on_people~846523/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>relationshipslifefamilyhttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/06/01/reflections_on_people~846523/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/31/phone~843969/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-05-31:/2006/05/31/phone~843969/Wed, 31 May 2006 16:56:54 +0200 <p>My phone is actually okay. It was just a bit wet off the Belgium trip.</p> <p>So every now and then I have to wipe the condensation off the sim card.<br> Tonight I'll write all my phone numbers down in case I ever really do mess up my sim card. </p> <p>I went to the cinema with my friends today which was good because I haven't seen them for a couple of weeks.</p> <p>So all is well. I might be starting work tomorrow or friday, I'll let you know.</p> <p>xxxx Vick </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/31/phone~843969/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>friendscinemaphonehttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/31/phone~843969/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/30/other_stuff~840702/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-05-30:/2006/05/30/other_stuff~840702/Tue, 30 May 2006 14:58:28 +0200 <p>I have got a job now. I'm starting at Morrissons this week. Possibly tommorow.</p> <p>Current problem: my phone is broken *sob*<br> I think it has been affected by all the rain in Belgium, it did get pretty wet. I hope the phone shop can fix it because it has all of my numbers on, which I don't have a record of anywhere else. I should have written a list of all my numbers in case something like this happened.</p> <p>*crosses fingers and hopes phone can be fixed*</p> <p>My friend has invited me the cinema tommorrow and I hope I can find some way to contact her.</p> <p>Houston we have a problem. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/30/other_stuff~840702/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>houstonjobphonehttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/30/other_stuff~840702/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/30/belgium~840669/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-05-30:/2006/05/30/belgium~840669/Tue, 30 May 2006 14:49:55 +0200 <p>I had a pretty good time in Belgium. Thursday 25th- Mon 29th.</p> <p>We drove down to Folkestone on Thursday night and got on the Euro tunnel which I thought would be really exciting. I had some image that we weould see fish etc. through the windows of the train. However, the word 'tunnel' is an accurate description of it because what you see out of the window of the train is concrete. We had to sleep in the van which was uncomfortable so we didn't get much sleep. We got to Calais then we drove to Ieper and slept outside the military base (in the van) because the base was closed.<br> In the morning we went inside the base and put our stuff in the military tent which looked like a circus tent. Then we did 30km around Ieper. The terrain is very flat but our feet were still aching from walking so much. I was limping by the end of the walk because I hads blisters. It was also chucking it down. So in short; we were muddy, wet and tired and had bad feet. This is the authentic first world war experience.</p> <p>On saturday I did 25km and my feet were killing so I slowed down to the pace of a snail but still managed to do it. We went to a barbeque in the town and I got quite pissed :-)<br> On sunday I did 20km which was bloody hard due to the fact that my feet were saying to my body , "no more, no more!" but I decided to just keep going.</p> <p>All in all I managed to do 75km over the 3 days so I am quite pleased with myself. I felt a bit emotional when we had our group photos taken because it was the last trip when lots of us will be together and I felt amazed at what everyone had managed to achieve. I think everyone felt a bit like this and I had a few funny moments on the bus on the way out of Belgium when I thought I was going to cry just from the sheer emotion and exhaustion of it all. We got back to England and drove from Calais to Hastings and stayed in a campsite on sunday night. We went for brunch in Hastings then drove up to Leeds. We had a curry together in Leeds.<br> This is one of those things you remember for your whole life because there are lots of people leaving the club that I will probably never see again.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/30/belgium~840669/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>experienceemotionholidaybelgiumhttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/30/belgium~840669/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/22/okay~820086/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-05-22:/2006/05/22/okay~820086/Mon, 22 May 2006 16:04:02 +0200 <p>So I am still looking for a job. I'm also looking forward to the Belgium trip I am going on at the end of the month. We will be walking 100km near- around Ieper. This should be very interesting as I have never been to Belgium before. </p> <p>Since I finished my work I have been lazing about. My family (Parents, Grandad, brother) came down at the weekend and we went to a place called Meanwood Valley Urburn Farm for the day which is very good. There were lots of small furry animals and also lots of sheep and some ponies. There were also some goats. This is beginning to sound like one of those 'my day out' stories which you write in Primary school.Anyway I had a brilliant day and I'll probably see them again in June.</p> <p>Think I'll do a bit more job hunting tommorrow.</p> <p><img src="/img/smilies/icon_razz.gif" alt=":p" class="middle" border="0"><img src="/img/smilies/icon_razz.gif" alt=":p" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/22/okay~820086/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>farmbelgiumjobwalkfamilyhttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/22/okay~820086/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/15/oh~801298/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-05-15:/2006/05/15/oh~801298/Mon, 15 May 2006 14:47:41 +0200 <p>I just realised I forgot to add something important.</p> <p>I went to Scotland a couple of weeks ago and climbed Ben Nevis. Going up was just tiring, walking in the snow (at the top) tired your legs out but I loved it. Had a brilliant time. On the way down I managed to fall over repeatedly on the ice and snow and also on the gravelly path. It was the hardest thing I've ever done though and the views from the top were absolutely immense.</p> <p>The next day I only went on the easy walk (not up Ben Nevis) again. I went to the pub after the walk and got pretty pissed and I was talking to this 40 year old guy who was a member of walking club. I got a text off the guy a couple of days after saying do you want to come out for a drink?</p> <p>I said I was busy and I'd see him walking. mmmm... Great some sleazy man who is a lot older than me is interested. I just hope he's not going to Belgium (at the end of the month) too... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/15/oh~801298/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>ben-nevisscotlandsleazyhttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/15/oh~801298/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/15/lost~801206/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-05-15:/2006/05/15/lost~801206/Mon, 15 May 2006 14:19:48 +0200 <p>Right now I am pouring out my heart in this blog because at the moment I have no other means of expression because I am finding it difficult to talk. Words will just not come out my mouth. It is the last day of uni and I feel this kind of shock. It's shock which is creeping up on me very slowly and I still bloody amazed that it's the last day of uni.<br> I am writing fast because my emotions feel all fast and swirly at the moment.<br> The best year I have ever had in my life is over.</p> <p>Now I am scared because I am caught between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to go back to Durham for the summer because I'll just get depressed (I couldn't really deal with it for a week in Easter!). But everyone is leaving halls and I am scared of being on my own. I am also really worried that it might take ages to find a job. I am embarrassed about admitting this to people, so I am just obsessing over these feelings instead. My friends will be busy working and on top of that they have big family commitments so I don't think I'm going to fit into their lives very much this holiday.</p> <p>I feel completely lost and I'm trying to be proactive and look for a job etc. but I have this horrible feeling that all the good things are coming to an end, at least for a while.<br> I don't know where I belong anymore and I don't know what to do with this long holiday- three months!</p> <p>I wish someone could just make it all better but I know that nobody can do that.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/15/lost~801206/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>helplifeproblemjobrock-and-hard-placehttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/15/lost~801206/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/05/so~777938/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-05-05:/2006/05/05/so~777938/Fri, 05 May 2006 14:56:42 +0200 <p>I haven't wrote properly for such a long time. I feel a bit wierd actually just sitting, relaxing and writing.<br> I have work to do over this weekend.<br> I am starting to worry about finding a job now. It is constantly on my mind. I am more worried about that than my work actually.<br> I feel a bit wierd and messed up at the moment because my course is finished on the 15th and it will be the end to the best year I ever had in my life. Everything I love seems to be ending and some of the people who have been so important to me and such an influence (such as walking club people and poltics society people) are leaving and I probably won't seem them anymore.<br> Next year when I am at uni I will be 20 and it won't be the same. I feel like crying sometimes because I want to be young forever. I don't want to keep growing up like this (not like I have a death wish or anything).</p> <p>I feel wierd and I think it really hurts to grow up sometimes.<br> I don't know what I am expecting from people in regard to this post. I just wanted to write this feelings down because I can't talk about them to anyone (except maybe my brother who's not in the country at the moment). </p> <p>I have been feeling strange like this since I went home for a week in Easter and felt that I didn't belong there. It is a strange feeling being unhappy in your home town, and realising that you shouldn't be there.<br> It's a wierd feeling which I suppose people get when they live home and they start to think, "where do I belong?".<br> This has turned into one of those deep posts again. I'll have to try and be lighthearted sometime. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/05/so~777938/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>cryinghomegrowingjob-huntinghttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/05/so~777938/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/04/back_again~774893/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-05-04:/2006/05/04/back_again~774893/Thu, 04 May 2006 10:31:58 +0200 <p>I'm back (as you can see). It is nice that people having been enquiring about how I am doing. I am still looking for a job and I haven't heard from the youth hostel people yet (I wanted a job over summer as a youth hostel assistant) so at the moment I am handing my CV out and becoming frustrated. The last time I tried to find a job it took two months and by that time the summer was over.<br> Hope to find a job soon. Have to go now, I'm in a seminar!</p> <p>Bye! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/04/back_again~774893/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>busyjob-hunthttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/05/04/back_again~774893/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/04/21/mmmmmm~744737/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-04-21:/2006/04/21/mmmmmm~744737/Fri, 21 Apr 2006 13:46:57 +0200 <p>Couldn't think of a good title so I just wrote the above instead. I've got loads of work to do and I have spent the last two days in the library. I will be back soon with some proper information but for now I am quite busy.<br> Nice to be back in Leeds in again though. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/04/21/mmmmmm~744737/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/04/21/mmmmmm~744737/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/04/14/here_it_is~727278/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-04-14:/2006/04/14/here_it_is~727278/Fri, 14 Apr 2006 14:13:15 +0200 <p>I'm still trying to organise a job. I have had a good time the last week because I have been doing lots of interesting things. I went away to York for 3 days with my Mam and I really enjoyed it. I bought another keyring to go on my backpack (which has many keyrings on it). I now have an MP3 player so I can also carry my beautiful music everywhere with me. Yesterday I walked all over Durham and took lots of pictures because I just felt like it, I won't be back here for a long time. </p> <p>I have been thinking a lot about refugees and asylum sekers. I think it's a disgrace how they get treated in this country. If Iwas being persecuted and threatened with death in my home country I would expect to be helped by other countries not to be told to either 'f*** off' or 'ok we'll take you in but we'll lock you in a prison for a while'. Asylum Seekers live below the poverty line and only get about £30 a week to live on which is much lower than average benefits in this country. Also they have to face the humiliation of paying with food coupons, so they can stand in a special cue in the supermarket while everybody stares at them. They also get spit at and have abuse shouted at them in the street by ignorant people who don't have brains and believe everything that newspapers like the Daily Mail say (we are being flooded by immigrants, they are stealing our jobs etc.) Also it is important to note that refugees often end up doing shit jobs that nobody likes and that they would be willing to work but the government won't let them.</p> <p>There is so much hysteria about illegal immigrants too. We wouldn't even have this problem if the government would relax immigration laws in this country and stopped immediatly believing that anyone who flees to Britain must be a terrorist, person who wants to live on our benefit system forever etc.</p> <p>There are a lot of complaints that asylum seekers always use fake documentation. The reason they do that is that they can't escape their home countries without it. </p> <p>I think it's time for people to stop blaming refugees and asylum seekers for all our problems and start to think for themselves about things. It is important to be able to put yourself in someone elses shoes and imagine what it would be like to be treated in the way which we treat asylum seekers and refugees.<br> Treat others as you would like to be treated yourself. If you don't help others when they are in need then maybe one day nobody will help you when you need it. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/04/14/here_it_is~727278/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>human-rightsrantasylum-seekersrefugeesyorkhttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/04/14/here_it_is~727278/#commentshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/04/08/gone_home_for_a_while~713261/tag:apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk,2006-04-08:/2006/04/08/gone_home_for_a_while~713261/Sat, 08 Apr 2006 22:48:47 +0200 <p>I went home because I got really fed up and bored. My friends said they were going to meet me etc. but they were busy with family resposibilities (not their fault or anything, I'm not trying to blame them) which was annoying. I was starting to feel really low being in a flat by myself so I thought I might as well go home and spend quality time with my family since I haven't been home for 3 months.</p> <p>I have some work I need to do because I have a load of stuff to hand in in May so I need to get cracking *I'll do it err.. later*</p> <p>I am also looking for a job for the summer, which everyone seems to be doing. I would like to work in a Youth Hostel over the summer or maybe be a travelling fundraiser. If I don't hear a reply from either of those jobs then I will have a walk around Leeds and ask everytwhere if they are looking for people. So the stress of finding a job has begun. *should be more fun than a barrel of monkeys*.</p> <p>I also might have to show someone round our house so we can get a fifth tennant but I don't know how to get there (the guy with the car is probably going to be busy as well) and how to arange a viewing so that's really annoying.</p> <p>But luckily nothing major's happened and life only has small annoyances at the moment so that is something to be thankful for. This week I will probably post one of my 'the world is in a state because...' ramblings, so everyone can look forward to that (if you like that sort of thing).</p> <p>Love from<br> Vickie </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/04/08/gone_home_for_a_while~713261/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>homejob-searchdurhamlifefriendshttp://apleaforsanityinamessedupworld.blog.co.uk/2006/04/08/gone_home_for_a_while~713261/#comments