Here's another bit of misery from me, though I am starting to feel a lot better now, this is what I wrote when I was having a bad day...

One day I just wanted to write and I was really struggling to stop. Sometimes people’s feeling are just like a big powerful train which is racing down and a track and won’t stop.

Sometimes everything just feels blank and I feel like really hurting myself, because it’s the only way to feel anything at all and it’s the only way to distract yourself from your feelings, even if it’s only temporary.

Johnny Cash- “I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel, I focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real.”

I always thought that my lack of faith in other people was something that began a few years ago, but it started way before that. This is the type of stuff you barely remember. All those times in school when you’re only about five years old and you find that the other kids simply aren’t very nice to each other. That is when your innocent little world begins to crumble, though you’re not aware of it at the time. I was always the one who tried to be nice to people, even when they weren’t being nice back.

And then I turned 12 and everything stopped. People were even worse towards each other in this place. I stopped being nice and I turned my heart to stone. There were various times during my teenage years when I let people inside and I let them get to me. There were even times when I was honest about my feelings. These times grew fewer and fewer as I learnt to distrust people even more.

I broke, when I was 17 when those who had been my “friends” turned against me and hurt me. Just because they wanted to. I spoke to nobody about it, and showed my feelings to nobody. I trusted nothing in life anymore.

I’m still struggling to retrieve my faith in people and human nature, but everyday people keep giving me more reasons to be angry and more reasons to retreat further inside myself. The human mind is a maze and some people say you always come out of the other side eventually, but I don’t feel that I ever will.