Last night was quite good (apart from the fact that I was at work). After work I went to Bible study and it was interesting, all about forgiveness and humility and it really set me head whirling round and round and round... (metaphorically, not like the girl in the Exorcist).

Everyone at work was being judged as to how good their customer service was. They wrote that I don't smile and don't talk to people very clearly and don't look people in the eye, don't say goodbye etc.
These are all pretty accurate. These are bad habits that I have due to previous experiences with people. Also, the customers are consistently rude to me and I don't want to be really nice to everyone if they aren't nice back. Yes I'm aware it sounds a bit childish but I resent saying please and thank you to someone who just grunts at me and complains in the que how 'slow the girl on the till is'. I hate retail jobs, I hate facing the public all the time, especially when they are stressed and in a hurry.

I feel like this Christianity stuff is making me think about things I don't want to think about and I am becoming really aware of all my weaknesses and faults and it's just making it worse getting a bad review at work. They did say mine was still one of the better ones though, I have seen other peoples customer service as well and it is also just as bad as mine and often worse.

I'd better stop writing because this post is going to get even more self critical. I'm meeting a friend for a few drinks at half four so maybe that will take my mind off this stuff...

Had a bad dream last night. Nothing particularly bad happened in it but I was about 14 and I was on a school trip and there were so many rubbish people there that I used to go to school with and it just really depressed me. Then I woke up and just cried.

I am afraid that I will keep having thses dreams because I don't want to wake up in the morning feeling rubbish all the time.

I don't really feel like me at the moment and there are too many things going round in the back of my head and I am starting to get this sort of self hate. Maybe it's my fault because maybe I'm weak or too sensitive or 'think too much'.

I'm not really sure what I am doing or where I am at the moment. I am not happy in Durham and I barely consider it my home but Leeds isn't really a proper home for me either because I have only lived her a short time.

I feel very alone and don't feel like anybody will help me/ can help me because I'm not sure who to talk about this with.

Vickie

Today I registered with the gas and electric company and water company. I didn't realise it was necessary to do this and panicked when unipol said I needed to do this!

Anyway, the panic is over now because I have just sorted it out and can stop worrying that a man in black is going to knock on the door and demand to see my gas and electric and then turn it off while giving me a mean look and laughing harshly. I think too much.. anyway.

I have to go to work soon but it's so bloody hot and work has rubbish air conditioning which just takes in the hot air from outside and circulates it around... grrr...

Will write more very soon.

Vickie

I am currently looking for God. Maybe thats not the right way to phrase it, I don't know how else to write it. I have been feeling very lonely and low down, living alsone is not helping I suppose. I have made a new friend at work is good because I need a very good friend right now and I will never be able to completely rely on my other friends unfortunatly- there are lots of reasons for this but I will explain properly another time, I think I have explained some of this before anyway.
I started going to the international students club (you don't have to be international!) and I have met some very interesting people. They have this Bible study afterwards and I have been going to it. It is interesting and I have always felt a bit empty, like somethingwas missing and this feels like a good step to take.
I don't know what might happen here. This morning I had a nightmare about something which happened a long time ago and that's quite wierd since I usually don't think about these things. I think the Bible study is something which makes you think and is kind of encoura\ging me to believe in something which is positive rather than negative. I haven't done that for such a long time, maybe this is why things keep going through my head. All I know is that if I continue this Bible study then things are going to get very tough for me but maybe I am ready for the challenge and the change. I need to do something.

Oh and I also apologise for not posting comments on other people's blogs. This is not deliberate. I have been trying to but the computer/internat/ something won't let me. Says I have to fill in some email field or other?

Anyway... I'll speak soon.

Recently I have just moved house, I did feel pretty sad about it but I didn't cry or anything on the day because I was too busy running around like a headless chicken and going, "wheres the ...!?"

My brother helped me move all my stuff and then rushed me to work at 3 o clock. I was still a bit late though.

So yeah, it didn't go too badly though I had an interestiung time trying to do basic things like switch on the fridge and the washing machine was making funny noises last night and I kept imagining it was going to blow up! 
Maybe I'm loosing my mind.
I just spent the last 3 days doing volunteer work painting a mural in a womens' refuge in the childs play room and I really enjoyed it and found it quite rewarding.

I think living in a house by myself is going to take a lot of getting used to though. 

Oh, well I've got plenty of time to adjust. I'm trying to maintain my positive attitude. So far it seems to be working.

I have neglected my blog again. *feels deep shame*