I suppose that everyone is different and rather than focusing on my differences I should focus on our similarities and the fact that she is a great friend to me and cares a lot. I feel I was a bit harsh in the last post, we really just accept each others' differences, 'cos that's what friendship is about.
Anyway I went shopping in Manchester with two friends and it was quite good. I bought two books.
New Internationalist Guide to Ethical Shopping
Stephen King Book no.4 from the Green Mile Series
It was a great day, it is nice being invited to go places with friends, they were desperate for me to go with them. This made me feel brilliant inside, I haven't had friends like these for a long time.
I have joined the walking society last week (I went on a nice walk on sunday, past Emmerdale Farm if anyone is interested). I will hopefully going on a trip next weekend to the Peak District (another friend said she might come as well). I twisted my ankle/foot last night on the steps outside of Varsity (and no, I was not drunk!) so it is hurting and I feel a bit sorry for myself today. Anyway, I hope it's better before I go on this trip. I was going to go to Tia Jitsu with the same friend tomorrow night but I don't think I can now, so I'll have to go next week.
*The best laid plans of mice and men
Often go awry(is that spelt right?)*
Robert Burns

Anyway those are the current (slightly mundane) details of my life at the moment).

Yesterday I went shopping with my friend and she started asking me questions about ethical shopping. I was a bit worried because I shop quite differently to her. I said to her that just because I shop ethically I am not making some judgement on everyone else. I said that I don't usually talk about it with people because it makes them feel uncomfortable. She then said that she had to admit to feeling a little bit narrow minded next to me, because she never shops in charity shops and hadn't even been in one until I took her in one a few weeks ago. I ended up saying that I don't know many people who are anything like me, I started to get this feeling of loneliness, which I feel quite a lot but I just deal with, because there's nothing else you can do about it.
Then later on we were walking back to university and I realised that I was going to cry. I didn't want her to see, I didn't want anybody to see. I walked off and hid in Waterstones (behind a book shelf!).
She found me though and she was asking me what was wrong and stuff but I just lied and said I felt ill.

I went home and put on my Red Hot Chilli Pepper's compilation which I made myself. I sat on my bed and pretended to kill myself with my finger against my head (see quotes).
I listened to Aeroplane- RHCP

"I like pleasure spiked with pain
And music is my aeroplane"

"I can make it disapear
I can make it disapear
Have no fear"

I just realised how lonely I really felt and that my friend is not really like me, it was dissapointing, even though I knew all along that she was very different from me.
She doesn't have hobbies, she just likes shopping for clothes and shoes and handbags even though she doesn't really need any. It makes me sad that her life is so empty this is all she can think of to do. I like to shop occasionally as well, but I also do a lot of other things and try to stimulate myself a bit more.

I was just crying my eyes out in my bed with my music on really loud.

I had a nice chat today with someone at uni and she seems to be a lot like me and I felt a bit better.

Gun's N Roses- November Rain
"Don't you feel like you need somebody
Don't you feel like you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one."

Nobody ever said it was easy to be different.

I was having another flick through the Catcher in the Rye.
Page 154 is a good page because phoebe asks Holden what he likes and what he wants to do with his life.Holden finds that he can't answer because he hates the world and most of the people in it, because they are all phony bastards.

I like this bit because I feel a lot like that.

There is a particular chapter in Northern Lights by Phillip Pullman which is quite horrifying- The Silver Guilltine, it is used to cut the child soul (demon) away.

"There was a mesh barrier between them, but he was still part of her, they were still joined. For a second or so more, he was still her own dear soul."

Lyra asks why, the children's souls are being cut away.
"But why were they going to do that? I never done anything wrong! All of the kids are so afraid of what happens in there, and no one knows. But it's horrible. It's worse than anything... Why are they doing that, Mrs Coulter? Why are they so cruel?"

Some good quotes from Vernon God Little by DBC Pierre

"A bolt of anger takes me... about the ways of this fucken town. The anger cuts through waves of sadness, cuts through pictures of young Jesus, the one who nailed himself to a fucken cross before anybody else could do it. That's why this town's angry. They didn't get a shot at him."
(Jesus is Vernon's friend who massacred people in his school because he was being picked on and abused).

"Amen. Sounds to me like you plain don't want to associate with those people no more, you rather not even be around."

"Ahh so you a logic boy. You all strung out on everybody else's habits that you hate, becausen you logical. I bet you can't even tell me a thing you love."

"You think a caring intelligence would wipe out babies from hunger, watch decent folk scream and burn and bleed every second of the day and night? That aint God. Just fuckin people."
p.259

"Wise the fuck up. Intermingling needs make this world go round. Serve that intermingling, and you needs can get fulfilled."
p.259

"Papa God growed us up till we could wear long pants; and then he licensed his name to dollar bills, left some car keys on the table, and got the fuck outta town."
p. 260

I will be writing more soon. If anyone has anymore to add, feel free.

Today I saw something which made me really angry. The Jeremy Kyle Show (crap tv show, on bbc2 I think) had this woman on who's sons had been killed joyriding. She was saying she couldn't get over the grief etc. and I thought fair enough she is in pain, but why is she selling her story to a tv show? I think it is a bit of a dishonour to her sons' memories to be selling her grief on the tv. We are also watching that stuff too, watching someone's pain with intrest, like voyeurs. I was ashamed that I had started watching it and I went out of the room. I am really disgusted at the world sometimes, grief is a commodity, which is bought and sold just like everything else in our society.
The only comfort I can really get when I feel angry at the world like this is in knowing that I'm not the only one who has ever felt like this (see my list of quotes as an example of this).
I don't mean that people shouldn't talk about their grief, but selling it to a tv show is an absolute disgrace.

The weekend was good becuase I invited my parents down to spend the day. We had a walk around Leeds and went in the market and some charity shops. I got two Star Trek Deep Space Nine Video's and two books for £4.
Elidor by Alan Garner
The Restaurant at the end of the Universe by Douglas Adams

I'm still reading Northern Lights- it's a long book but I love it.
Anyway, that day was good and then when my Dad left he nearly started crying (he always does). I felt a bit funny too for a couple of minutes but I didn't cry, it's just wierd when you're parents leave. Me and my Dad had one of our nice conversations about how we were going to solve the world's problems. He said he thought my ethical lifestyle was good.
It was alright but I wish my Brother had come down, but he was too tired because he works too much.
We actually got our house sorted out today without any serious arguments so that was good.

I might finish Northern Lights and the Book of Genesis tonight.
I also need to shop tomorrow, yesterday I had rice on toast, this is really not very good.

We were trying to sign our housing contract today (for our house next year) and it got a bit stressful because it was pretty expensive. One of my flatmates was really pissed off and in a bad mood anyway because she was hungover (not my fault) and she was going to have financial difficulties paying for the rent (not my fault either). She was snapping at me for ages and I just shrugged my shoulders and tried not to care and then I asked her a simple question and she snapped at me again. I then said "there is no need to snap at me". My other flatmate said "leave it, she's stressed".
And then there was the mention of, "it's alright for you, your parents can help you with money". I don't appreciate being resented because I am not struggling like her.
The argument ended with me saying "fuck you" to my other flatmate (who was only trying to stop the argument).

Sorry for the graphic and boring description of this argument but it only happened about half an hour ago so I need to get it off my chest.

I really don't know what is wrong with me. I am being a bit less tolerant of my flatmates than I was a while ago, but still, what am I doing? I should have just left it alone instead of getting angry because now I feel fucked up and don't feel like going out tonight. I don't know if I want to actually because the two people I just argued with are going out. Better to stay in and chill out.
Maybe I'm just bored, I need to do something more with my life, and things are not going smoothly between me and the people I live with.
I think I should probably find a job or do some volunteer work or something rather than getting bored and moody. This is strange because I very rarely argue with people and I have spent the last two weeks doing just that. I need to go home and chill out and sort my head out. I am also a bit homesick (even though I don't really want to go home).

I had a great night last night just in my room reading. I read a bit more of Northern Lights and am absolutely addicted to it now. It is so creepy. That Mrs Coulter scares my quite a bit and I had to think to myself *she's not real**she's not real*.
Also I got a Bible out of the library yesterday (Old and New Testament). I started to read the book of Genesis and some of it was a bit creepy. Especially when God tells Eve she will suffer forever for eating the forbidden apple. She made a mistake, but I mean come on, eternal misery is a bit harsh. Also I read the Noah's ark story. Where I was disturbed because I agreed with the principles that God had for flooding the Earth. I also believe this world is corrupt and I have sometimes thought we could all do with being punished/ anihilated for our treatment of others and of the world around us.
I really liked that Noah's ark story.
God seems to be pretty vengeful in the Old Testament (as opposed to a more forgiving God in the New Testament). I wonder how Christians (Jools I need your opinion here) view the Old Testament. Do some believe it's completely true, or prefer to treat the Bible with caution and not literally believe everything it says- i.e. not believing in homophobia even though it is in in Leviticus. I know all Christians have different viewpoints and I'm interested to know what they are.

I was starting to get cabin fever this weekend because I had a cold and didn't go out so I was climbing the walls today. I finally decided to get off my arse and stop feeling sorry for myself, so I decided to walk into town and go in the library for a bit and go a blogging.

I was pretty pissed off last night becuase the conversation with some of my flatmates revolved around racism and homophobia and I just bit my tongue and said nothing and just went to bed early.
It will be nice to live in a house next year because then I will be with a few decent/bareable people.

I was talking to someone at uni and she said I come across shy and quiet (which I'm not at all). I suppose it is just because I like to be careful who I talk to and what I talk about with them. I try to just get along with most people (why not?) and sometimes that does mean that I don't say things which need to be said. I'm not afraid to piss people off sometimes, I just don't fall out with people/get offended as much as I maybe should. She said she thinks I am at a stage where I am doing what people want because I'm so fed up of arguing with people, rather than doing/saying what I want. Which is a good point. I'm glad people talk to me about these things occasionally or I would just be stumbling through life blindly. I have been sticking up for myself more lately which is why I am having tensions with my flatmates, I am not tolerating them as much as I usually do. That's a good thing though, I do not want to turn into my mother who just tries to please everybody.

These are some quotes I think are quite inspirational and quite true.

"So she sat on, with closed eyes, and half believed herself in wonderland, though she knew she had but to open them again and all would change to dull reality."
Alice's older sister0 Chapter- Alice's Evidence
From Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

The Catcher in the Rye (J.D Salinger) is my favourite book of all time, here are some quotes from it.

"This fall you're riding for- it's a special kind of fall, a horrible kind. The man falling isn't permitted to feel or hear himself hit bottom. He just keeps falling and falling."

"I can very clearly see you dying nobly, one way or another, for some highly unworthy cause."

"You'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behaviour."
All quotes by Mr Antoloni (Holden's teacher)

A book you might not have heard of but it is described as the 'French Catcher in the Rye' by some.

"I sat on my bed for a long time. I sat and sat. Something was wrong inside me , I felt it inside my stomach and I didn't know what to do. So I layed down on the floor. I stuck out my pointer finger and pointed it at my head. And I pushed down my thumb. And killed myself."

Here are some quotes from the Chronicles of Narnia book The Magician's Nephew by C.S Lewis (the one before The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe).

Aslan on the nature of power- when the witch eats the apple from the Garden (of Youth) and becomes immortal.

"She has won her hearts desire; she has unwearing strength and endless days like a goddess. But leangth of days with an evil heart is only length of misery and already she begins to know it. All get what they want: they do not always like it."

Why people are unhappy- Aslan's view point.

"Oh Adam's sons, How cleverly you defend yourself against all that might do you good!"

Power and corruption
"It is not certain that some wicked one of your race will not find out a secret as evil as the Deplorable Word and use it to destroy all living things. And soon, very soon, before you are an old man and an old woman, great nations in your world will be ruled by tyrants who care no more for joy and justice..."

Quotes from Martyn Pig by Kevin Brooks

The best way to get through life
"It's not easy, but I've found that if you let people do or think what they want and don't let your feelings get too mixed up in it, then after a while they usually get bored and leave you alone."

Noise
"It's there all the time, the sound of too much everything, but no one ever listens to it. Because once you start to listen, you can never stop, and in the end it'll drive you crazy."

If anyone has any more to add feel free, and I will be putting some more on my blog soon once I have finished reading Northern Lights by Phillip Pullman.