I've been feeling better this week and after feeling sorry for myself for a while I decided enough was enough and that I should do something useful with my life so I decided to start doing some of the work I have to do which is all due for January. I do not want to spend the christmas holidays working all the time. I'd rather do absolutely nothing.

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The happy feeling kind of died because I went for a drink with everyone after the social and I was just thinking how happy it's made me and that it's going to be gone next year. It made me feel sort of empty and I was pretty tired anyway so I went home early. So anyway that's what happened last night and I felt sad all night. There are 3rd years I have met that I will miss a lot when they have gone.

I feel a bit wierd right now because I just went home at the weekend and everything was pretty shit in some ways. Reality was back and right in my face. My parents are still together but don't love each other. My brother still has no social life and no real friends and is talking about leaving home but it's all just a stupid dream because he'll never be able to afford to live away from home. Nothing ever gets better for anyone in my family apart from me- I hate seeing everything so messed up. I have changed a lot since I left home but they haven't. My whole fucking view on life has changed because I went home and I feel negative as hell and I'm letting the old fears and insecurities drag me down (don't trust anyone, nobody is really your friend, people are all arseholes, people are fake and when it comes down to it you're alone).

I need to go home and sleep and sort my head out because I've got into this 'Holden Caulfield' way of thinking and do not want to go down that road again.
And in fact I have made at least one really good friend who might be going to the cinema with me to see Harry Potter so that's pretty cool. Feel really emotional at the moment.

I am going out in 40 minutes time exactly. Well it's not really going out, I'm going to talk about politics but I'm going to get drunk afterwards so should be pretty good. I am currently listening to Tenacious D at the moment. I am a bit bored right now and I wish I had some chewing gum because I have just ate a subway Veggie Delite and my breath smells of onions.

Oh wait I haven't written anything relevant at all yet but I'm not in the mood for thinking about anything because I just feel happy right now. It is one of those nice moments where you just think "yeah I feel good, my life is good". I am usually a miserable bastard and don't have many of those so I am going to keep this happy feeling for as long as possible.

I was reading Nick Hornby's About a Boy yesterday and I think it was pretty good. It seemed pretty relevant and I was a bit horrified to see that one day I might turn into Marcus' mother Fiona and make life difficult for my kid. I don't mean that I will become depressed and try to kill myself (at least I hope not). But the fact is that I am already different and I am so similar to her. I don't buy clothes or shoes that are made in third world countries, I don't eat at McDonalds or KFC or drink Coca Cola, I try to buy fairtrade when I can afford it, I'm a veggie and ocasionally remind myself why I do this by watching videos of animals being treated in horrific ways.

I usually feel pretty comfortable with myself but reading a book like that has got me thinking that I am 'diferent' and that I'm never just going to fit really well into modern society. I basically despise nearly everything in the world because it's corrupt and people are exploited all the time. The book brought me to the question of if I had a kid in the future how would I bring them up? Would I 'force' all my values on them and make them messed up and a target for bullies- I really don't know. Mind you this is not something I'm going to have to worry about for a while. I just had to get this off my chest though.

In my psychology lecture today my lecturer told us the important principles of the objective world

1/ There is no meaning in the universe - our own lives are small and meaningless- we are all like little ants and when one gets crushed it doesn't really matter.

2/ We are born into a world which is not of our own choosing and we just have to deal with it.

3/ You're basically on your own your born alone and you die alone (as stated in Donnie Darko)

4/Life is pain and misery then you die

5/ Most people would rather die than think about these things because they are too hard to deal with- humans are social beings and can't deal with the inevitability that they are alone and that they are going to die.

6/ people have to impose meaning on their lives- they may aim to have family because there is a biological imperitive to do so and because there life has no other purpose.

I was thinking how people get so upset over little things but who cares because in the end we're all alone anyway and all we have is ourselves and we have to learn to live with ourselves.

These principles can be viewed in a positive way or a negative way depends how you choose to see the world. By the way if you believe in God disregard this stuff because it is a scientific view of life.

I just wondered what other people think of this- do you believe in these principles also or do you feel that you have a greater purpose?

My last post was pretty negative but things have got better.
I will continue the story. On friday we met up for a bit and I said that I really liked him and that I wanted to go out with him and then I started to cry because I wasn't sure if it would work if he was just busy all the time. I was a bit embarrased by this but then he siad it was okay and we could still make it work. He sent me a text on sunday saying that he wanted to tell me on friday that it wouldn't work because he didn't have enough time to dedicated to me but he couldn't because I was upset and he panicked.
I was a bit upset but it was all for the best so I feel better now. Looking forward to going out on thursday for my flatmate's birthday.
I'm sure I'll find someone else some time but I'm not really looking so I'll just have to see how it goes. I really don't mind being single though.

Okay so I was suppoosed to go for a drink with this guy today (wednesday) and he has cancelled it because he's busy. I only found out that he wasn't going for a drink with me because when I texted him "when are we meeting today?" he said he had to meeet a friend to do some work. I was pretty upset about this since he actually invited me to go for a drink with him and then I have to text him to find out he's changed his mind. He is being an arse and I don't understand because he seemed to really like me and now he is just being thoughtless.
He said he will go for a drink with me on friday. If he cancels again I'll just tell him to piss off- he's not worth the hastle. If he does turn up I'll "have a chat" and tell him to either stop being such an arse or to just not bother talking to me again. If he's not willing to make the effort for me then I really haven't got time for him. I am not going end up like my mother and take crap from people all the time.
Feeling low as hell at the moment. Was crying in the toilets earlier. I wouldn't feel like this right now if I wasn't a moron who believed in people- this is what happens when you try to get close to people. I should just have no real friends like before in college at least then I knew not to expect anything from people- I just go crazy when I get a bit of hope and then I feel all high and happy and then the whole world just comes crashing down on me again. As you can tell I'm feeling pretty low right now. Just want to go home and crawl into and eat chocolate and be on my own with my nirvana CD (that is such a typical teenager thing to do isn't it?).

I have been having an ok time at university at the moment but I was kinda dissapointed because I was looking forward to seeing my boyfriend/potential boyfriend and he is not going to the social tonight. I am really dissapointed I feel kinda low. I am going for a drink with him tomorrow though instead. It's just a shame that he's always so busy I hardly ever get to see him and I really want to get to know him better as well. However we can 'bond' more tomorrow.
I am also feeling a bit homesick but I don't know why because I always get fed up and bored at home. I am really missing my brother.

I went out last night to a friends birthday party and got quite drunk. She ended up arguing with one of her other friends and we went home early but then it got fun again because we were waxing bits of her male flatmate's arse and legs *he, he, he*

I was just thinking about this really cool physics book I read which said that extra sensory perception, out of body experiences and other mysterious things to do with the mind were posssible. ESP occurs when you make a particle in your brain move and that makes another one move etc (like a snooker ball hitting another snooker ball and then another) which means you can find things out like knowing something bad is going to happen or knowing which card is on the top of the pack when they have been shuffled etc.
OBE's are also possible because if you use the above theory your mind can basically go where it wants if it is in a state of exhaustion. OBE's generally happen when you are really tired but are finding it hard it sleep and you then find yourself on the ceiling or something staring at your body.
Very creepy.

The other theory I read about was that there are an infinite number of paralel universes because everytime a particle moves or you take a certain action then slightly different actions take place in other universes and this could just be caused by one particle moving differently in each universe.
This theory however can never be proved but it just blows my head off.
If anybody has anymore little theories about life and the universe feel free to share them with me.

Had a wierd few days because my friends have gone home so I am all alone *sob*. No not really it could be worse I mean I went on my date and it went well and we're going to be seeing each other again on tuesday.
We had a minor disagreement on wednesday because we were supoposed to meet in the bar and go to the anti BNP protest together and we got confused and missed each other. But he said sorry which was really sweet of him and I felt all happy again after that.
I went out last night with a few of my flatmates and it was actually a good night. It was this really wierd indie club. My flatmates were sitting round bitching about each other and I got a bit fed up so I just decided to dance by myself. I was very drunk but I didn't spend much money because I drank my own vodka at home.
It was generally a good night. Not caring about what people think makes all the difference. I am supposed to be doing some reading but I can't be bothered at the moment.