Oh by the way I went home last weekend and I really wish I hadn't bothered because it was pretty wierd. My brother was in a bad mood for most of the weekend apparently he's been like that since I left home. I don't think he want to stay at home anymore now that I'm not there to amuse him because he's stuck with Mam and Dad now and their crappy problems. He wants to move abroad and I think leaving will be the best thing he has ever done. After all he is 23 doesn't have many friends doesn't have a social life and doesn't have a girlfriend and he's a virgin. I wanted to leave home so i didn't end up being like him. Also teenagers shouted abuse at me in the park while I was walking down to Durham (I live in Gilesgate)- this just totally reminded me of exactly why I left Gilesgate- I felt pretty depressed being back there.
My Mam and Dad were also arguing and being tense with each other like they always are- I felt like hiding in my room and turning my music up really loud the whole time I was home so I am probably not going to go home till Christmas now. I'd rather be having a hard time at Uni than a hard time at home.

So anyway university is getting slightly better. I have started to talk to more people so I might be making some friends soon. I went to the politics and sociology discussion group last night which was really fun. We were just getting to know each other so we just chatted a bit and got a bit drunk- I was really drunk though I didn't intend it to end up like that. When I got in my flatmates said I looked really smashed. But by the way last night was a bit of a change from listening to my flat mates tell stories about their sex lives (some of which are probably made up) and talking about "this time when I was drunk I did this stupid thing and everybody laughed". These stories are not amusing when you have to listen to them all day. In fact they totally bore the arse off me. Met some really nice people on my course and in my group so I have a feeling these people will be my friends rather than my flat mates. I really need to have friends though- I have been alone for so long- I don't think I've ever had a good friend before but I think this might be different- my life is actually changing for the better for once.

He's called Matt and he's from Cornwall- we met in a bar.
Anyway I went on a date with him and he sems nice enough but I don't really want to go out with him because he is a real country boy who loves his steak and shoots animals occasionally and he also doesn't believe in global warming- or have that much intrest in the environment. I am a vegetarian enviromentalist. However maybe we could just be friends or something. I haven't really done that much with him- just a bit of groping and small amount of tongue action. He REALLY likes me but I don't REALLY like him.
I am also going to join the sociological debate society- I need some good friends and also a bit of stimulation- my room mates just care about sex and alcohol. I am really looking forward to my course I love debating and thinking about people and politics and stuff and how society works.Hey- sociology just turns me on. I think there are lots of students like me out there who are not interested in just drinking and sex- I am sure I will come across some likeminded people I'll just have to look carefully.

I will tell you part of my story. In September 03 I found out that my Grandma had cancer and that she had 4 months to live (she actually survived for nearly five months though). I was 17 then. My Grandad and a few nurses looked after her at first, at home. But she began to decline a lot and became too difficult for one person to take care of. So my dad went to stay with my Grandad to help him out. He started being really bad tempered towards everyone, but especially towards my Mother (not physically though) because he had so much stress to deal with. My Mam said she would leave him if he kept being so horrible to her once he had come home after she had died. He was still being a * when he first came home. She started saying she was going to leave him again (she said this quite a few times). We went on holiday and it was the worst holiday I have ever been on because he was being an ** to my Mam all the time and she was complaining about him behind his back all the time to me. She said after the holiday she would leave him.
She had/s been talking behind his back saying she can't stand him, going to leave him etc. I ran away a few weeks ago (only for one night) and that made them talk to each other, so now they really are going to split up. I have this huge resentment towards my Dad for being such a *** and am also angry at my Mam for leaning on me and talking to me instead of Dad when I am just a kid (at least I see myself that way). The atmposphere at home right now is terrible. I have left home now and I'm 19. I'm glad I can get away from my parents, I was tired of being in the middle of all their problems and my Mam leaning on me so I told her to shut up basically- I didn't want to hear anymore about Dad. She still hasn't left him and probably never will.
Sometimes I feel like my parents are the kids and I'm the adult.
The last two years have been pretty hard and I have felt a lot of the time that I am dealing with everything on my own.

So anyway I am at University now and having a really good time in some ways and not in others. I like being independent but I have been having some problems- mainly people problems.
I am generally good at being sociable and I get on alright with my flatmates but I am feeling quite isolated and alone kind of because they are quite different from me. They mostly seem to care about getting drunk and pulling members of the opposite sex. I have been going out with them drinking and stuff but I don't feel comfortable doing that all the time because I like to read books about conspiricies and stuff which makes you think but they just talk about all the sex or whatever they've had or how drunk they've been and I find it hard to relate to them because I am not really a big drinker and I don't have any really funny stories and I have never been in a relationship before.
I accidently told one of the girls (when I was drunk) that I was a virgin and I'd never had really close friends to go out with on a night and stuff and she was like "oh my god" and acting like I was really wierd or something. They are always talking about their old mates and inviting me over to the flat but I feel like a big loser because my old 'friends' don't give a shit about me. They think I'm really niave and wierd or something- I am not just being paranoid they give me wierd looks and stuff sometimes because I don't understand what they are talking about sometimes.
The other night the rest of the girls ordered a taxi to go to this club without me and I was really angry because they didn't include me when they knew I was going. Was this inconsiderate or what?
Mind you I went out with the upstairs flat instead who were really nice and very CONSIDERATE.
I know they are just flat mates and I will probably make other friends but what if I don't and I am stuck with them being inconsiderate and stuff and really different from me.
I just feel so alone and really sorry for myself at the moment because I don't really fit in yet or might never fit in properly- like in school and college (high school). I am afraid I'm just going to end up really isolated again. Lots of people have been in this situation before so I wondered if they could give me any advice or anything. :help: